A lot has happened since I got back from Austin. Last week, this week is/was a bad week for me, so I've just been keeping myself busy, not letting myself think about the depressing events...and so far it's worked. May is almost over, thank God, and I've made it through without a major depressive episode.

Today was a bad day though. I'm not using nicotine patches anymore, I've finished "the program", and today I was just really on edge. In a fighting mood really, I'm sure I would have argued with someone if they told me the sky was blue, and I was irritated by almost every single thing. I still feel it, like I'm just waiting for someone to say the wrong thing so I can pounce. Maybe it's because there's no nicotine in my system, or maybe it's because I didn't go swimming today. I'm trying to work out a little, so I don't gain bad weight and just to help with my stress. I chose swimming because it puts less pressure on my joints, especially my knees, and it's an athletic activity while I'm not great at, I enjoy. But I had other things I had to do today, and after 4 days in a row of it, after no athletic activity like ever, I needed to rest.

Whatever the reason though, I was just in an awful mood today. I feel bad for the people who had to deal with me, because I know it comes across. I'm not good at hiding it when I'm irritated by people or at showing patience to people I think are acting stupid. So even when I keep my mouth shut and only say the snarky things I want to say in my head, people still know something's up, and the people who really know me, know what I'm irritated by and know it's them, and so I end up feeling like an asshole, because I am.

Surely it'll get easier. And I won't be a rabid bitch for forever. 

I'll do a post eventually with some of the pictures I took in Austin. Just some, I took too many to include them all. I'll also include some pictures of Dallas or do a separate post for that, because I took the train into the West End last week and played tourist; I got some pretty good pictures of Dealey Plaza and other buildings down there. Kinda have an architecture obsession. 

I had a doctor's appointment last week too, and they drew blood from the same arm I had a vein busted by a nurse while I was in the hospital...and omfg is it bruised. Actually in addition to being the same arm it's the exact same vein, just the bruise is lower than the fucking track mark that I now have because of that dumb ass nurse fucking up while trying to change the IV. Where they drew blood didn't bruise until like a day or two later though, or at least I didn't notice it until like yesterday...I don't know, I know it was fine that day she took the blood, she even held it forever because she said she didn't want it to bruise. And when I got out of the doctor's office the band aid and cotton she had put on it had fallen off, but I could barely even see where she pricked me. But then the other day I noticed my arm was kinda sore, so I looked at where she took the blood (which is at the crook of my elbow, standard blood taking place) and there's a bruise covering that whole area pretty much. I don't know if because they drew blood from the same vein that was busted recently, which made it more sensitive and that's why it bruised, because I don't usually bruise when they take blood...I'm not a saint when it comes to drugs, but I have NEVER EVER done intravenous shit, besides the morphine they had me on in the hospital, so I don't know shit about that shit. I just know that I have a damn track mark on my arm from a nurse that fucked up my IV and busted my vein. And now from a nurse drawing blood I have a bruise below it that makes me look even more like a junkie. Razzle frazzle.

Anyway, I also have, have to get my GAME OF THRONES FINALE menu planned. O yes, it just got super nerdy up in dis bitch. For the premiere I made lemon cakes, from scratch, and although we had themed meals all day, for when we actually watched the episode I made a meat and potatoes type dinner, something I thought Robert Baratheon would enjoy. But this time I think I wanna center the food around Tyrion. Burnt black bacon. Lots and lots of wine. Whores. And for dessert...hmmm, maybe something Daenerys enjoys...strawberries or...something. Maybe a red velvet heart. I'll have to pull the books out and look them over for inspiration really. I'm rereading them, but I've been so caught up with the show and other things I'm not even halfway through A Clash of Kings. We'll see, I'm not going to do anything so elaborate for the finale as I did for the premiere, but we're definitely having at least one Game of Thrones inspired meal. 

So things are still up in the air, waiting to find out if I get summer aid. And I didn't get the job, I would have, but they wanted something from me I couldn't give. C'est le vie. I'll find another, I was upset about it at the time a little, but it's not the end of the world. Positivity breeds positivity, or some shit, so no upset, only happy.

But, since I don't have a job to worry about, I get to go to Austin next weekend!!! Going to watch a friend graduate from UT and I am SO excited! We met at community and became fast friends. I luff her so much, and I'm so happy for her. We are going to have a blast I know it. If I find a job between now and then, I'm still looking of course, then that'll change, but as of right now the plan is for me to be in Austin Thursday night through Saturday or Sunday. It's been awhile since I've been to Austin, and besides all the homeless, I really enjoy the city. Most of all though I enjoy her, just getting to hang out with her is going to be awesome since it's been forever since we've seen each other, then all the stuff we have planned on top of that, and the graduation ceremonies...like icing on a fucking amazing cake.

I've been saying for awhile that I need more work appropriate, "grown up" clothing; my closet is full of t-shirts and not appropriate dresses. Nothing super skimpy or like club wear, just mostly really casual dresses I can wear daily, and that I've almost worn into nothing in some cases. They're just so comfy! So I've been planning a trip to a few thrift stores (no way am I buying that stuff new and I've been trying to have a less is more philosophy when it comes to clothing) to look for professional basics in good shape. I know what to look for and what's quality and how to check seams and all that, and I'm not afraid of digging and searching for one item so thrift store shopping doesn't bother me at all...and on that subject, just because it's new doesn't mean it's quality, always shocks me when people will pay ridiculous amounts for one shirt, and one that's made of polyester at that, read labels people! Plus since merchandising is my degree, I'm more than kinda aware of how much retailers/manufacturers fuck people. 

However I haven't bought clothes in so long. So very, very long. I really haven't made a purchase just for the fuck of it in forever and that's just for me, unless things like shampoo and conditioner count. They don't. And of course, I found a t-shirt I want SO BAD. I wasn't even looking, just checking up on some music news, and bam, there it was. Damn you internet. Well actually two, but I'd have to pick one or the other. For both it's around 50 with shipping and all, and that's just too much for t-shirts. But one is only 25 with shipping, and that's not so bad. It's a band I LOVE and both have lyrics on the back from two of my favorite songs from the new album...I'm so tempted, just fill out the information, then wait a few days and magic! New shirt. But I'm afraid I'll feel guilty afterwards, I mean I could use that for a million other more important things, but it'll also cheer me up a bit, and isn't my happiness worth at least 25 measly dollars? Now I'm being a little ridiculous, but it's true! And it supports one of my favorite bands, who are pretty underground and need all the support they can get...ahhh I keep going back & forth. Plus it's so hard to choose which one!

Here's the first. On the back: "All evolution is crippled when dogma dictates" from Starlight Requiem 

And the second. On the back: "Barely legal I don't mind. Hit me baby one more time" from Bloodsucker

*Both can be purchased from indiemerch.com/razortowrist, just in case any Polkadot Cadaver fans come across this & want them too*

Ahh I don't know what to do. Though really, I was going to upgrade my Pandora for a year again, it ran out about a month ago, so if I don't do that, I could theoretically use that money for a shirt...even though I probably wasn't going to upgrade it, because again, could use that money for more important things...ah fuck, the responsible part of me is like no, you don't need it, but the me inside me is like 

I've been really thrifty lately, not spending on shallow things that I normally would, so I think I may say fuck it and get one. Probably the first one. I just love that line. It's so true. But the second one is pretty awesome in itself and I also really love that line...CHOICES!

I'm still going to get some professional clothes, no matter what, because I don't have that much to choose from when going to interviews or when I need to look nice. Luckily though a lot of my closet is black. God I love black clothing. It's the former goth in me I'm sure. I have a couple other financial obligations, but the more I think about it, the more I think I can wiggle $25 bucks to use just for bullshit for me. And if this is the bullshit I want...it's the bullshit I gets. I've got a few dollars in my amazon account, maybe I'll turk a little (not twerk, turk, though twerking could probably get me some money fast too...) and use that money for it, or at least earn back the money I spend on it, so maybe I won't feel so guilty. Maybe. I probably still will, feel guilty I mean, just because I've been so anti spending money on anything that isn't absolutely necessary, it's hard to break myself out of that.

Anyway, I've just been trying to waste time, I'm trying to reset my sleeping schedule so I stayed up all night, but this is kinda boring me (ha, I bore myself...) so I better switch it up and find something else to do. I have plenty to keep me busy, that's for true. 

I feel like doing a just for fun, because it's pretty & I like it post. Probably because my past couple posts have been far too srs. 

I love bustle skirts. I wasn't kidding in the little section on my profile where I said I'd wear them & cat ears. Super cuuuuuute! So on that note...

Couple vintage examples first...

Ahhh the past. So wonderful.

And if I could, what I'd be wearing EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
Oh & warning, some of these images may not be appropriate for the prudish. But I don't know if anything I do is, so suck it prudes. Fuck off.